Video:  Save your money!
By: Holley Sinn

Verdict: Seriously....why even bother?

It has taken me a long time to begin writing this review. I am sitting here, sipping blueberry coffee...searching for a way to describe to you two of the most pointless hours I've ever spent. As a writer, I typically choose to spend my time and efforts on material that I believe will be at least moderately entertaining for my readers. Today, I am challenged with telling you about an amalgamation of fight cliches...bargain basement performances....and melodramatic, violin accompanied death sequences in this review of John Luessenhop's "Takers" starring Matt Dillon, Hayden Christensen and Chris Brown. May the writing gods shine their light upon me now as I give my very best effort at explaining a plot that makes no sense for a film that should never have been greenlit.

Dillon stars as "Jack", a cop who has some sort of problem, but we're not sure what it is, and truthfully, we never find out. He is charged with tracking down the men behind an elaborate bank robbery, accompanied by his cheerful partner Eddie Hatcher, played by Jay Hernandez. The "Takers", as it were, are played by Chris Brown, Hayden Christensen, Michael Ealy, Idris Elba, Paul Walker and T.I., the last of which goes by "Ghost" and was just released from prison for a crime he committed as part of the team. Upon reentering society, he proposes a particularly lucrative job to his former colleagues, none of whom fully trust him.

Jack becomes obsessed with discovering the identities of the thieves. Meanwhile, the latest heist goes awry, and it becomes clear that Ghost has been double dealing with the Russian mob. Also, Jack learns that his partner, Hatch, has been engaging in some dirty practices in an effort to help support his unemployed wife and sick child. Some cheesy fight scenes ensue...and then the ending is....well, I'm still scratching my head over that one.

There is so much wrong with this film, I don't even know where to start. The characters are under-developed, and the plot is anemic. Matt Dillon's character is totally unnecessary, and for some reason, some of the thieves sort of seem to have super powers. The script is wrought with weird, outdated cliches, and the overly dramatic score helps to ratchet up the cheese factor significantly. There's also a lot of slow motion...and plenty of dissolves. If there wasn't so much gunfire keeping me awake, I probably would have seized that sedentary two hours as an overdue nap time.

Telling you the following is hopefully totally unnecessary, but I'll do it anyway...."Takers" is rated PG-13 for violence and some language, and it opens today in theaters all over the bay area.